Thinking outloud

Hoping this isn't too much bitching and moaning. :)

I found myself digging through a lot of the stuff in the house, and found stuff like my old PSAT scores. The scores were good; what killed me is that at that point, in 1994, I'd put down that my intended major as being in health sciences. What the heck happened?

It started me retracing my steps through my life, how I got to this point. I think where it started was at the place I used to live. I lived with my fiance and a roommate, and we had a deal when we moved in that they would split the house payment, and I would pay the utilities. I would be considered a full time student, and they would support me in this.

It seemed simple enough. I worked only part time in a fairly low paying job, but I brought home around $600 a month - plenty for utilities, plus I also had an ample stock account at the time that I could draw off of as needed. It was intended to pay for college, but at this point, I'd changed to a community college, and the education wouldn't use as much money. There was some leeway.

Within months, things degenerated. Our roommate got his license. He got a few cars. He started to race one, sink money into another, and his driving record became bad quickly. Bit by bit, there was less money to pay the house payment. My fiance and I made up the difference, but then everything started going all to hell. We started fighting, all three of us. All the time. Those were still some of the worst years of my life.

It didn't take long for the blame for the situation to fall onto me. With few options and a lot of pressure on me, I dropped out of school for a semester, thinking that I might take one semester off, work full time, make some extra cash, then get back to school.

It didn't happen. Even at a full 40-48 hours a week, it still wasn't enough to fix the damage that our roommate had already done. For a while, we sent in our half of the mortgage and then he'd send his in, usually after he begged it from a family member. Soon, the people that we were buying the house from refused to take our payment without his. The mortgage payments started to fall farther behind.

I had no options - with my relationship and household crumbling under me, I started looking at contract jobs at the large technology company down the street. I'd tried this before, before I went back to school, but had never managed to land a job.

Amazingly, I did, first time I'd tried in about a year. And so I was off. I loved what I was doing at the time, and after a number of months, I had a chance to interview for a full time job. I did, and I didn't get that job, although I did end up landing another one. I really thought I was doing the right thing; I mean, this was *Microsoft*. How much better could I do?

Well, here I am, years later, and I think to myself, I'm not sure how much of it was the job and how much of it was the team. They were really good people, and even now I miss working with them. That team has since been scattered. And what I do now isn't the same. It won't ever be.

I will never cease to regret the fact that I let other people push me into the decision. If I'd been the person I am now, I'd have been more stubborn and strong, and I would have stood my ground. Then again, though, I'm not sure I'd be the person I am today if I hadn't had those experiences, if I hadn't learned that if I don't stand up and put my foot down, no one is going to do it for me.

Sometimes it's those experiences in life that you hate the most that teach you the most about who you are. I know who I am, and that's more than my mother could say for herself, for example. Some people never learn who they really are, and I'm fortunate in a way; I'm only 28, and I feel very comfortable in my skin so to speak.

I understand myself and am starting to get more ideas of the kinds of things I was meant to do in this world. I really want to help people. I think that's why being an EMT or a personal trainer appeal to me so much. It's obvious how an EMT or paramedic helps people, and as for a personal trainer, one helped save my skin at one point. She gave me back my health, boosted my confidence, and when I dropped over 50 lbs, I realized that I'd love to pass that gift on. I tend to do it in my way anyway, by helping people I know, friends and family, with what to eat, exercises to do, ect. It feels good to help people, to know that you've made some difference, however small. It's all those small differences added up that truly affect change in life.