We're currently paying around $450 in child support for my stepson who will be 18 in a few years, and $300 a month to the IRS to fix my husband's tax situation.
That right there is $750 that we're already used to having pulled out, and after that's done, we should be able to toss all of that into the bills and if we're this used to living slim, we might be able to pull off not having it just a little farther down the road. I think it's about time to call a tax attorney and see if we can negotiate something on the tax problem.
I can't believe my vacation is this close to over - I'll be back in the office on Tuesday. That is something I'm dreading, but I'm sure once I get rolling again after vacation I'll feel marginally better. The work isn't so bad, and I do count myself fortunate to have a job like the one I do. It just isn't the one I want to be doing!
Overall, though, vacation has been good. The downtime has given me a chance to do some serious soul searching, some cleaning, and even a bit of writing. It was just what I needed before rolling over into 2006, which I think is going to be a good year. I'm looking at it as the year of change, and that's really exciting and a little scary at the same time.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Hey, here's something cool
EMT and Paramedic average wages by state for 2002:
http://www.rescuehouse.com/content/ems-resources/004021.php
I live in the state with the second highest average. Worst places to be. :)
Incidentally, as of 2003, a firefighter/EMT in a local city would have made almost what I do currently.
See, not completely hopeless. There's also a chance of me taking a part time tech job and perhaps taking a part time EMT job. It would increase the number of hours I work, but decrease the number I spend in a job I can't stand.
I've got one bite on my resume already, and while it's for contract work, I'm happy to give contract work a run if it's less crap to deal with and if they'll pay me the same. I highly doubt they will (contract work in my field isn't paying great these days), but I can always set my expectations with them and see what they say.
http://www.rescuehouse.com/content/ems-resources/004021.php
I live in the state with the second highest average. Worst places to be. :)
Incidentally, as of 2003, a firefighter/EMT in a local city would have made almost what I do currently.
See, not completely hopeless. There's also a chance of me taking a part time tech job and perhaps taking a part time EMT job. It would increase the number of hours I work, but decrease the number I spend in a job I can't stand.
I've got one bite on my resume already, and while it's for contract work, I'm happy to give contract work a run if it's less crap to deal with and if they'll pay me the same. I highly doubt they will (contract work in my field isn't paying great these days), but I can always set my expectations with them and see what they say.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Dad and sticks
I talked to my dad yesterday. He'd wanted to check on me, see how I was doing, ect. The usual father stuff.
We talked a bit about my job; I told him that I wasn't sure how long I could work the computer jobs. He said that he wished I could go back to school. I'm kind of torn on that topic. I got forced into college by him, to a large degree. I was perfectly happy to go to college, but I wanted to go to a community college, take a couple of years to figure out what I wanted out of a career, what really interested me. Test the waters a bit.
Up until that point in my life, I'd really only had two careers I'd wanted: either I was going to be a vet, or I was going to be an astronaut. Ambitious? You bet. I’m crazy that way. Hell, I’m just crazy.
At around 16, I discovered that I fell short of the height requirements to actually be a mission specialist or pilot. It’s very possible that standard has changed, but in its way, it was for the best – while it was what I wanted to do for a very long time, it’s also one of the most competitive fields out there. You have to be the *best* and I’m not sure if I would have cut it.
I’d also decided that I wasn’t sure I could deal with being a vet, either. The thought of “helping animals” sure seemed good in theory, but the reality was that I knew I’d have people who *could* save their animals, but didn’t want to bother and would just have them put down. I didn’t want to have to put animals to sleep that didn’t have to be, but the truth of it was, it would be part of the job. It isn’t suffering of the animals that would have killed me, but the attitudes of some pet owners. I know that I’d also want to do the right thing, I’d want to help the animals, but I’d always have to be considering things like what they could pay me to do, what they could afford, and I’d be one of those totally broke people because I’d give everyone a break.
My dad refused to let me go to a community college (and as he was paying, I was a bit trapped in the situation), and instead pushed me towards the college he went to. I know he meant well, but I’m not a university type of person. Put me in a room full of 300 people? I’m going to check right out. Or, at least, I did at the time (I’m less distractible these days).
I had no idea what to study, so I headed for computers. It was something I understood already to a degree. Predictably, I dropped out after only a year. I didn’t love it. I didn’t love any of it.
I explained a lot of this to my dad, that I just didn’t know *what* to study at the time. He said that I could have got any degree, even a liberal arts degree. I wanted to laugh – he told me back then, 10 years ago, that I couldn’t be a liberal arts major because I’d never make any money. I reminded him of that.
He said, “Sometimes it’s just about the experience.”
I wanted to reach through the phone and smack him with a stick.
We talked a bit about my job; I told him that I wasn't sure how long I could work the computer jobs. He said that he wished I could go back to school. I'm kind of torn on that topic. I got forced into college by him, to a large degree. I was perfectly happy to go to college, but I wanted to go to a community college, take a couple of years to figure out what I wanted out of a career, what really interested me. Test the waters a bit.
Up until that point in my life, I'd really only had two careers I'd wanted: either I was going to be a vet, or I was going to be an astronaut. Ambitious? You bet. I’m crazy that way. Hell, I’m just crazy.
At around 16, I discovered that I fell short of the height requirements to actually be a mission specialist or pilot. It’s very possible that standard has changed, but in its way, it was for the best – while it was what I wanted to do for a very long time, it’s also one of the most competitive fields out there. You have to be the *best* and I’m not sure if I would have cut it.
I’d also decided that I wasn’t sure I could deal with being a vet, either. The thought of “helping animals” sure seemed good in theory, but the reality was that I knew I’d have people who *could* save their animals, but didn’t want to bother and would just have them put down. I didn’t want to have to put animals to sleep that didn’t have to be, but the truth of it was, it would be part of the job. It isn’t suffering of the animals that would have killed me, but the attitudes of some pet owners. I know that I’d also want to do the right thing, I’d want to help the animals, but I’d always have to be considering things like what they could pay me to do, what they could afford, and I’d be one of those totally broke people because I’d give everyone a break.
My dad refused to let me go to a community college (and as he was paying, I was a bit trapped in the situation), and instead pushed me towards the college he went to. I know he meant well, but I’m not a university type of person. Put me in a room full of 300 people? I’m going to check right out. Or, at least, I did at the time (I’m less distractible these days).
I had no idea what to study, so I headed for computers. It was something I understood already to a degree. Predictably, I dropped out after only a year. I didn’t love it. I didn’t love any of it.
I explained a lot of this to my dad, that I just didn’t know *what* to study at the time. He said that I could have got any degree, even a liberal arts degree. I wanted to laugh – he told me back then, 10 years ago, that I couldn’t be a liberal arts major because I’d never make any money. I reminded him of that.
He said, “Sometimes it’s just about the experience.”
I wanted to reach through the phone and smack him with a stick.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Quick update!
Everything went off without a hitch today. I thought surgery was cool. Had some fun chatting with the staff, I think they appreciated having someone friendly and relaxed in there. I bounce back really quick; I woke up as they pulled the tube, looked around, and realized that I was dizzy. A few moments later, I started talking and sitting up a little and looking around.
I got crackers, chocolate, and juice afterwards. I demolished it.
Got to spend some time watching more Paramedics and Trauma: Life in the ER yesterday. I'm not sure it's helping - I'd started watching it to see if I was really sure, or if this stuff would just freak me the hell out. I'm completely enthralled.
I'm going to be putting out some feelers this week; I'm starting to lean towards a higher paying job with no benefits, and simply get on my husband's benefits (which are quite good). I'm considering contract work, even, but it would have to pay more than what I'm making at my current job. I'm pretty sure I could get subsequent contracts, but on the other hand, I'd basically be a temp and that thought is a little scary. If it gets me closer to getting out of this horrible pit of debt, though, I'm all over it.
I got crackers, chocolate, and juice afterwards. I demolished it.
Got to spend some time watching more Paramedics and Trauma: Life in the ER yesterday. I'm not sure it's helping - I'd started watching it to see if I was really sure, or if this stuff would just freak me the hell out. I'm completely enthralled.
I'm going to be putting out some feelers this week; I'm starting to lean towards a higher paying job with no benefits, and simply get on my husband's benefits (which are quite good). I'm considering contract work, even, but it would have to pay more than what I'm making at my current job. I'm pretty sure I could get subsequent contracts, but on the other hand, I'd basically be a temp and that thought is a little scary. If it gets me closer to getting out of this horrible pit of debt, though, I'm all over it.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Sick
It's taking me longer than usual to get over this cold; seems like it's really sticking with me, and it's driving me nuts.
There are times I really am torn about my job. I was just ready to start screaming the other day. My boss leaves me a Christmas present and thanks me for all my hard work.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually fooling them into thinking everything is fine. My managers have been another reason why I've stayed so long, admittedly, but they've still got to please upper management, and the whole thing is a mess. We have too much management. Ridiculous amounts of metrics that only have the purpose of looking pretty. We should be all out there finding out about what the customer wants. Management be damned - they're not the ones paying for the product.
I'm on vacation today; I managed to get a little Christmas shopping done. Amazingly, Christmas shoppers aren't pissing me off this year. In fact, very little is. Maybe I'm looking at the world differently, but I think I've also been more approachable to people. I was fumbling around with a large box in front of a store today, and just about to start rolling the cart out to my car on the far end of the lot (I prefer to walk than jockey for a space). A man approaches me and asks if he can help me.
It's kind of funny, actually. After the self defense courses and getting a good idea of what's out there, I've become very suspicious of society as a whole, but not of individuals within it. If anything, I am more likely to trust because I'm more confident in myself, my judge of character in a glance, and my ability to handle a situation if it went wrong. I certainly can't say I'm a badass, but I would pity the fool that thinks they're dragging me into their car.
This guy seems like a nice guy. I can probably get the box in my car myself (it's not heavy), but he's so earnest that I figure what the heck, if nothing else we can chat on the way to the car. I tell him that I usually do the liberated independant woman routine, but that I'll give in this time. He laughs, and helps hold the very large box onto the cart while we navigate the lot. I'd already turned a corner too quickly in line and managed to tip the box off, so help is always good. We chatted for a bit; his birthday is tomorrow, and he'll be 62. He's off to the liquor store to get the last of what he and his wife need to celebrate the holidays.
The box didn't fit in the car, no matter how much wiggling and shoving we attemped, so I decided to do what I did last time something didn't fit in the car - we just took it out of the box. Without that, it slid in fine, but we had this box. He insisted on taking it back up to the store for me, as it was on the way to his car (which was all the way on the other side).
Sometimes I forget how nice those little connections with people are. I feel sometimes that we get so rushed this time of year that the mass of people is just one more pain to deal with, and then you get that reminder that every one of those people are just like me - too much to do, not enough time, and all just carrying on in life. I smiled all the way home because of that man.
I'm sitting around the house watching Trauma: Life in the ER on Discovery Health. Seeing if I can scare myself. More than anything, I wonder, how can we all get into our cars each day and get out there, given what could happen? It's amazing.
Speaking of hospitals, I'll be in one tomorrow, and am actually really excited about it (which amused the preop nurse and my doctor, and scared a few other people). It's a very minor surgery to remove a lipoma on my back, but it's my first actual surgery so I'm actually really curious how it'll go. I've gotten lots done ahead of time; cleaning the house, making sure all the animals are good to go for the next couple of days (just in case I don't want to move much), getting lots of easy to cook food in the house, doing some laundry, the shopping, and a little practice on my instrument of choice (as well as a lesson today). Mostly doing the stuff I know hubby won't do and making sure that stuff was in order.
They don't want me to eat after midnight tonight, and I'll probably be out of the surgery center around 2pm. I'm going to eat the nurses if there's not a sandwich there.
There are times I really am torn about my job. I was just ready to start screaming the other day. My boss leaves me a Christmas present and thanks me for all my hard work.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually fooling them into thinking everything is fine. My managers have been another reason why I've stayed so long, admittedly, but they've still got to please upper management, and the whole thing is a mess. We have too much management. Ridiculous amounts of metrics that only have the purpose of looking pretty. We should be all out there finding out about what the customer wants. Management be damned - they're not the ones paying for the product.
I'm on vacation today; I managed to get a little Christmas shopping done. Amazingly, Christmas shoppers aren't pissing me off this year. In fact, very little is. Maybe I'm looking at the world differently, but I think I've also been more approachable to people. I was fumbling around with a large box in front of a store today, and just about to start rolling the cart out to my car on the far end of the lot (I prefer to walk than jockey for a space). A man approaches me and asks if he can help me.
It's kind of funny, actually. After the self defense courses and getting a good idea of what's out there, I've become very suspicious of society as a whole, but not of individuals within it. If anything, I am more likely to trust because I'm more confident in myself, my judge of character in a glance, and my ability to handle a situation if it went wrong. I certainly can't say I'm a badass, but I would pity the fool that thinks they're dragging me into their car.
This guy seems like a nice guy. I can probably get the box in my car myself (it's not heavy), but he's so earnest that I figure what the heck, if nothing else we can chat on the way to the car. I tell him that I usually do the liberated independant woman routine, but that I'll give in this time. He laughs, and helps hold the very large box onto the cart while we navigate the lot. I'd already turned a corner too quickly in line and managed to tip the box off, so help is always good. We chatted for a bit; his birthday is tomorrow, and he'll be 62. He's off to the liquor store to get the last of what he and his wife need to celebrate the holidays.
The box didn't fit in the car, no matter how much wiggling and shoving we attemped, so I decided to do what I did last time something didn't fit in the car - we just took it out of the box. Without that, it slid in fine, but we had this box. He insisted on taking it back up to the store for me, as it was on the way to his car (which was all the way on the other side).
Sometimes I forget how nice those little connections with people are. I feel sometimes that we get so rushed this time of year that the mass of people is just one more pain to deal with, and then you get that reminder that every one of those people are just like me - too much to do, not enough time, and all just carrying on in life. I smiled all the way home because of that man.
I'm sitting around the house watching Trauma: Life in the ER on Discovery Health. Seeing if I can scare myself. More than anything, I wonder, how can we all get into our cars each day and get out there, given what could happen? It's amazing.
Speaking of hospitals, I'll be in one tomorrow, and am actually really excited about it (which amused the preop nurse and my doctor, and scared a few other people). It's a very minor surgery to remove a lipoma on my back, but it's my first actual surgery so I'm actually really curious how it'll go. I've gotten lots done ahead of time; cleaning the house, making sure all the animals are good to go for the next couple of days (just in case I don't want to move much), getting lots of easy to cook food in the house, doing some laundry, the shopping, and a little practice on my instrument of choice (as well as a lesson today). Mostly doing the stuff I know hubby won't do and making sure that stuff was in order.
They don't want me to eat after midnight tonight, and I'll probably be out of the surgery center around 2pm. I'm going to eat the nurses if there's not a sandwich there.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Ah Saturday morning
I have a bitch of a headache, but I'm reassured: it's now the weekend, and I am only a week away from two weeks off. Freedom, sweet freedom. At least, for a couple of weeks.
Less than a week after vacation, first aid and CPR class! Whoo!
Short post; off to write a bit. I got on a roll last night but didn't end up finishing what I was working on.
Less than a week after vacation, first aid and CPR class! Whoo!
Short post; off to write a bit. I got on a roll last night but didn't end up finishing what I was working on.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Friday, baby, yeah!
Saw a car laying on it's side today while coming down the freeway. Not particularly sure how it got there; from the way the barrier is, I would have expected it to be laying on it's other side. Either they were really speeding and jerked over, or they hit the barrier and ended up on the side and turned around.
Regardless, there was an impressive array of emergency vehicles. I think they were still trying to get people out, as there were three ambulances waiting and a lot of people standing around the car watching. I imagine the fire department had to cut them out of the car. A fire truck, a couple of cop cars; quite a lot of turnout for one car.
The whole thing sparked an interesting discussion with my husband, who pointed out that I could work just about anywhere if I went into EMS. I think he's officially warmed to the idea, which is great - he's really being awesome about talking to me about all the odd stuff I bring up.
The place I submitted my resume to still hasn't called me; I'll probably start distributing the resume to more places soon, but I've got some health stuff coming up that I need to address. Nothing major, and all stuff that doesn't overly affect my long term health, but I'd hate to get to a new job and say, "Yeah, uh, sorry, I need to take a week off."
A new person at work asked me if I liked working there. I had to scramble for something nice to say about the place. Heh.
Regardless, there was an impressive array of emergency vehicles. I think they were still trying to get people out, as there were three ambulances waiting and a lot of people standing around the car watching. I imagine the fire department had to cut them out of the car. A fire truck, a couple of cop cars; quite a lot of turnout for one car.
The whole thing sparked an interesting discussion with my husband, who pointed out that I could work just about anywhere if I went into EMS. I think he's officially warmed to the idea, which is great - he's really being awesome about talking to me about all the odd stuff I bring up.
The place I submitted my resume to still hasn't called me; I'll probably start distributing the resume to more places soon, but I've got some health stuff coming up that I need to address. Nothing major, and all stuff that doesn't overly affect my long term health, but I'd hate to get to a new job and say, "Yeah, uh, sorry, I need to take a week off."
A new person at work asked me if I liked working there. I had to scramble for something nice to say about the place. Heh.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Boo, day
Looks like some of my other coworkers are starting to feel the craptasticness of the job. I did admit to two of them that the job was making me want to run around in the middle of the night in the cold and get bled on.
After that, I added another one to the "she's completely nuts" camp. And I didn't even go into vomit or feces or urine. Le sigh.
The fact that I work on a product that the vast majority of computer users see isn't quite enough to keep me going. One of the guys I talked to today says that he just doesn't have passion for it like he used to. It's really the heart of the matter.
I've started doing research towards the novel project. I've been reading a book about characters and viewpoint, and I started to get a little concerned as I read it. I worried that I wasn't coming up with enough ideas for my characters.
Then it occurred to me - maybe I've been doing this process all along and just haven't noticed. Once I got that straight, I felt better.
I've been getting back to the gym more; not only is it a bit of my sanity, but I've always taken some pride in how much I can lift, and I've slacked a bit the last few months. I love weightlifting so I'm pretty happy to be back at it. I pushed myself pretty hard, but I don't think I'm going to be sore in the morning.
After that, I added another one to the "she's completely nuts" camp. And I didn't even go into vomit or feces or urine. Le sigh.
The fact that I work on a product that the vast majority of computer users see isn't quite enough to keep me going. One of the guys I talked to today says that he just doesn't have passion for it like he used to. It's really the heart of the matter.
I've started doing research towards the novel project. I've been reading a book about characters and viewpoint, and I started to get a little concerned as I read it. I worried that I wasn't coming up with enough ideas for my characters.
Then it occurred to me - maybe I've been doing this process all along and just haven't noticed. Once I got that straight, I felt better.
I've been getting back to the gym more; not only is it a bit of my sanity, but I've always taken some pride in how much I can lift, and I've slacked a bit the last few months. I love weightlifting so I'm pretty happy to be back at it. I pushed myself pretty hard, but I don't think I'm going to be sore in the morning.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Not crazy
My husband looks at me last night as I have a spazzy moment of excitement over automated external defibrillators during dinner. "Are you thinking of becoming an EMT?" he asks me.
Thinking I'm probably certain to get some kind of comment about crappy pay, I kind of shyly admit, yeah, it occurred to me.
He ponders. "I thought of doing that at one point." I detail the process and cost for EMT-B in our state. He thinks it's not bad cost-wise or hours-wise.
What surprised me more is that I detailed another possible carreer option, which would be law enforcement. I expected him to crap a brick over that one, but he doesn't seem to bothered by the risks. I can't walk down a dark street at night by myself, but I can be a cop. Maybe it's the whole gun thing.
Yuck. I just got done steam cleaning some carpet. Trying to get my house in order, I feel like there's way more stuff crammed into this place than is possibly needed.
Thinking I'm probably certain to get some kind of comment about crappy pay, I kind of shyly admit, yeah, it occurred to me.
He ponders. "I thought of doing that at one point." I detail the process and cost for EMT-B in our state. He thinks it's not bad cost-wise or hours-wise.
What surprised me more is that I detailed another possible carreer option, which would be law enforcement. I expected him to crap a brick over that one, but he doesn't seem to bothered by the risks. I can't walk down a dark street at night by myself, but I can be a cop. Maybe it's the whole gun thing.
Yuck. I just got done steam cleaning some carpet. Trying to get my house in order, I feel like there's way more stuff crammed into this place than is possibly needed.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Snow
It actually thawed disturbingly quickly. I opted to work from home today anyway, as I'd already figured today would be a short day. Go remote desktop. I have to say that on days like this, I do appreicate my job - I can occasionally do it from the comfort of my couch, although not often. I've got a bad feeling that one of my machines didn't pick up the network card drivers properly, though, and may subsequently be offline (argh).
I do admit this job has it's perks, but I'm not particularly passionate about the industry in general anymore. I like computers - I might daresay I even love them. It's actually a lot of why I'd eventually like out, as I'd like to keep liking computers, instead of waking up one day crazy with anger that I'm still sitting in front of one all day long.
I'd always thought I'd stick with the company I'm with, but frankly, I've come to realize that it isn't the great place I always thought it was. Maybe I'm a bit jaded after years in the industry, but then I see sites like this and I'm not so sure: http://minimsft.blogspot.com. There's a lot on there that fits in completely with what I've been feeling about life at the company.
I hope that I'm not complaining too much - honestly, if this is the worst thing I can complain about, I'm doing well. I've got a house, hobbies I love, and lots of promise for the future; I'm pretty sure I'll do fine at whatever I put my mind to. As is, I've survived years at a competitive company without any degree to speak of, and I've only got this far by being really damn stubborn and willing to accept input. Being determined and willing to adapt can translate to just about anything.
Time to put the nose back to the grindstone.
I do admit this job has it's perks, but I'm not particularly passionate about the industry in general anymore. I like computers - I might daresay I even love them. It's actually a lot of why I'd eventually like out, as I'd like to keep liking computers, instead of waking up one day crazy with anger that I'm still sitting in front of one all day long.
I'd always thought I'd stick with the company I'm with, but frankly, I've come to realize that it isn't the great place I always thought it was. Maybe I'm a bit jaded after years in the industry, but then I see sites like this and I'm not so sure: http://minimsft.blogspot.com. There's a lot on there that fits in completely with what I've been feeling about life at the company.
I hope that I'm not complaining too much - honestly, if this is the worst thing I can complain about, I'm doing well. I've got a house, hobbies I love, and lots of promise for the future; I'm pretty sure I'll do fine at whatever I put my mind to. As is, I've survived years at a competitive company without any degree to speak of, and I've only got this far by being really damn stubborn and willing to accept input. Being determined and willing to adapt can translate to just about anything.
Time to put the nose back to the grindstone.
Updated the resume
Sent it in on a possible job lead. Still going to be in the same field, but I'm going into this with the plan that this will be my last job in computers. I’m not adverse to working with computers, but this constant schedule thing is getting me down. We’re being worked to the bone already, and we’re nowhere near the end of the product cycle.
I’ve done this before, and it’s not the end of the world – we’ve gone through some fairly “deathmarch” times before over here. It doesn’t bother me. What does is that it seems like we’re constantly impeded from doing our jobs, or we can’t figure out what are jobs are supposed to be. I can juggle a lot at once, but trying to figure out what I’m going to be juggling months down the road when management isn’t sure what I’m doing next week? We’re bogged down in senseless process. It’s not helpful process, either – it’s process that is created for one reason: so some ass can run around yelling “I created a process!” No. This is not a reason to create yet more irritating steps in an already convoluted scenario.
My husband came up with an absolutely insane plan to get me out of software, and it's so crazy, it just might work. It's going to take some work on my part, but it'll be doable, I think. I hope. It involves me doing some publishing on the side. I’m a little skeptical, but I’m willing to give it a try. If nothing else, it’ll give me an outlet while I’m still working in software and dreaming about getting out.
I don't regret my experience here at this job - it's been over 5.5 years of rollercoaster, and I've learned a lot about the industry, about computers, about software, programming, even about myself. If it hadn’t been for the benefits this job provided, I never would have gotten in shape, I never would have had the chances I did. I admit that the paycheck is nice, and I do know that right now, I need for it to stay that high. Long term, though, I’ve got to get my bills paid down.
It’s an amazing motivator for me. I ask myself, “Should we go out to eat for dinner?” I think about how much that costs, how much I’d save by going home and eating there, and even if I feel lousy, I can find the energy to cook. Getting the finances straight so I can consider other options is that important to me.
Spoke with another friend a few days ago about all of this; she’s actually someone who escaped this very same place I’m working in now, to take a lower paying job doing something that fit her much better. It helps me to remember that there’s life after the one I’m in. I’ve been in this job and at this company for so long that I don’t remember life without it. I’m terrified of life without it, yet at the same time, I’m more excited about life than I’ve been in a long time. There’s a thrill in leaving behind the security blanket, the tether, the training wheels, and just doing it. Best of all, I feel a lot better since I've made the decision that it's time to move on.
It’s snowing where I’m at, and I’m cringing at the thought of all the people out there on the roads. It’s late, and likely, quite frozen by now, and people west of the mountains in Washington state can't drive in this stuff to save their lives.
Monday, November 28, 2005
A little history
History on the current job:
I started in the industry as a temp as a way to alleviate the pressure put on me to help out more with the bills. I dropped out of college to take the job, and was subsequently hired full time at the company.
For a while, I really loved the job. I was working with a piece of software that people were using every day. I thought that was amazing, and every time I thought about it, I was proud of my impact. I loved the work, I loved the things I worked on, and I loved the people.
Over time, though, things changed. First, the environment. It started with them promoting me to salary - only to slam me back down to hourly. My level did not change - they expected the same from me, but now I would be paid hourly. This was upsetting, to say the least. It also shook my confidence in my manager. He hadn't been upfront with me about this change, even when I confronted him (I suspected when I was told there was a change in how I was paid that they would move us back to hourly). I no longer believed that the company cared about me as a person.
I pushed up another level back into salary, though. Then some other problems started. My company is moving more towards asking people in my field to program. I'll be the first to say it: I am not a programmer. I never will be one. I am too people oriented (which is why I am in quality assurance - I want to ensure the product has the customer in mind, is usable by real people).
Management got shaken up along the way. The "numbers" had to look better and better, and it was no longer about quality - it was how nice your numbers looked compared to everyone else's.
I don't kiss enough ass to play this game.
I was willing to cope with it because I really liked the stuff I was working on. I would learn to program as best I could to automate because I did like the product.
Recently, I found out the work I enjoyed was being moved to another team. As far as I was concerned, that means the last thing keeping me in the job was gone.
It wasn't the job I loved, not really - it was what I had been doing. Now that's gone.
I've learned a lot about myself in this process, though. While a part of me wishes I could go back and never haven gone to the higher paying job, that I could go back and choose a career path that I would have loved when I had the chance, I know better: there's no way for me to have known then what I know now.
Best I can do is simply to move forward and learn from the mistakes I've made.
I started in the industry as a temp as a way to alleviate the pressure put on me to help out more with the bills. I dropped out of college to take the job, and was subsequently hired full time at the company.
For a while, I really loved the job. I was working with a piece of software that people were using every day. I thought that was amazing, and every time I thought about it, I was proud of my impact. I loved the work, I loved the things I worked on, and I loved the people.
Over time, though, things changed. First, the environment. It started with them promoting me to salary - only to slam me back down to hourly. My level did not change - they expected the same from me, but now I would be paid hourly. This was upsetting, to say the least. It also shook my confidence in my manager. He hadn't been upfront with me about this change, even when I confronted him (I suspected when I was told there was a change in how I was paid that they would move us back to hourly). I no longer believed that the company cared about me as a person.
I pushed up another level back into salary, though. Then some other problems started. My company is moving more towards asking people in my field to program. I'll be the first to say it: I am not a programmer. I never will be one. I am too people oriented (which is why I am in quality assurance - I want to ensure the product has the customer in mind, is usable by real people).
Management got shaken up along the way. The "numbers" had to look better and better, and it was no longer about quality - it was how nice your numbers looked compared to everyone else's.
I don't kiss enough ass to play this game.
I was willing to cope with it because I really liked the stuff I was working on. I would learn to program as best I could to automate because I did like the product.
Recently, I found out the work I enjoyed was being moved to another team. As far as I was concerned, that means the last thing keeping me in the job was gone.
It wasn't the job I loved, not really - it was what I had been doing. Now that's gone.
I've learned a lot about myself in this process, though. While a part of me wishes I could go back and never haven gone to the higher paying job, that I could go back and choose a career path that I would have loved when I had the chance, I know better: there's no way for me to have known then what I know now.
Best I can do is simply to move forward and learn from the mistakes I've made.
Book
I ended up picking up a copy of "What Color Is Your Parachute?" today while at the bookstore. Figured it can't hurt; it's touted as one of those books that changes people's lives, and well... I sure as heck need a change.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
A lot on my mind
Life on the personal front has been interesting. I've realized that I don't want to work in software forever, but I also realize that I have some issues that limit my career choices. Namely, I let myself become afraid of some things that I shouldn’t fear. I've managed to overcome some stuff I'd previously been afraid of more recently. I've managed to take control of aspects of my life by saying, "No. I will not let this beat me."
There is nothing more empowering than realizing, “I can.”
The key for me is twofold. One, I’ve been letting a lot of things limit me because I’ve been afraid of change. I’m not afraid anymore, and as far as I’m concerned, this very well might be the beginning of the rest of my life. My high paying, cushy job is killing me. Two? I spend so much time being focused on myself that I amplify my own problems.
I had to spend some time researching EMS and EMT work for some writing I was working on, and the more time I spent looking at the job, protocols, and endless piles of information, the more I realized that I would enjoy a job like that. It just felt right, comfortable. I could see myself out there, doing this. I find myself looking at things in a new light as a result. I spent some time after that reading a lot of EMS blogs, and I can’t help it – I feel like I’ve found something that fits my personality. I’m resilient, I can tolerate seeing people screwed up, and I react to stress better than I give myself credit.
I spoke with a friend last night (who has worked in the healthcare industry, and her husband does currently). I talked with her about all of this, and she smiled. She started going over a list of my traits that she thought would make this the perfect fit for me: the fact that I get along well with people, that I'm assertive, that I can be cool even when things are crazy. She says she could see it, that it would be a perfect fit.
She also noted that I had something very important: I was obviously very passionate about the possibility. I was excited. I spoke to her in animated tones about what I’d rather be doing.
I know if nothing else, there are a few people who believe in me. Who don’t give me the “you’re crazy” look.
I don’t know where any of this is going yet, but I feel better getting it out. I feel like I don’t have to focus it on myself anymore, but that I can admit it: I hate my job.
With that realization behind me, I can now effect change on my life.
Sadly, I still have to go in and face the hell-job tomorrow morning. I’m going to work on my resume and at least start with getting out of there.
There is nothing more empowering than realizing, “I can.”
The key for me is twofold. One, I’ve been letting a lot of things limit me because I’ve been afraid of change. I’m not afraid anymore, and as far as I’m concerned, this very well might be the beginning of the rest of my life. My high paying, cushy job is killing me. Two? I spend so much time being focused on myself that I amplify my own problems.
I had to spend some time researching EMS and EMT work for some writing I was working on, and the more time I spent looking at the job, protocols, and endless piles of information, the more I realized that I would enjoy a job like that. It just felt right, comfortable. I could see myself out there, doing this. I find myself looking at things in a new light as a result. I spent some time after that reading a lot of EMS blogs, and I can’t help it – I feel like I’ve found something that fits my personality. I’m resilient, I can tolerate seeing people screwed up, and I react to stress better than I give myself credit.
I spoke with a friend last night (who has worked in the healthcare industry, and her husband does currently). I talked with her about all of this, and she smiled. She started going over a list of my traits that she thought would make this the perfect fit for me: the fact that I get along well with people, that I'm assertive, that I can be cool even when things are crazy. She says she could see it, that it would be a perfect fit.
She also noted that I had something very important: I was obviously very passionate about the possibility. I was excited. I spoke to her in animated tones about what I’d rather be doing.
I know if nothing else, there are a few people who believe in me. Who don’t give me the “you’re crazy” look.
I don’t know where any of this is going yet, but I feel better getting it out. I feel like I don’t have to focus it on myself anymore, but that I can admit it: I hate my job.
With that realization behind me, I can now effect change on my life.
Sadly, I still have to go in and face the hell-job tomorrow morning. I’m going to work on my resume and at least start with getting out of there.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
First post
First post to the journal, here. I always hate the first post. I feel like I should post a welcome, or... something. Nothing so dramatic. We'll start with the intro.
I'm in my late 20's and have been feeling a bit of a desire to get out of my job. I've got job in computers; I've got awesome benefits, good pay, and a generally prestigious job. At least, from the outside point of view.
The reality is, I never wanted to do this job. I got into computers because I needed the money, when it came down to it. I couldn’t afford to pay my bills on the small pay I’d been making previously. For a while, I loved it – even then the bills were tight, but I managed to get by with a little to spare most of the time. Now, I can pay all the bills and have some left over for fun. I love that.
Corporate hell is starting to catch up to me, however. I love what I can do with the money from my job; I don’t love my job. In fact, I’m finding a growing hate for the industry, and some of my company’s practices in particular, at least in regards to people management.
This journal is meant to be a place where I write down my thoughts on finding a job that makes me love going to work again. Months ago, I took one of those tests that tells you what fields you should be in based on your interests, and I fell squarely into healthcare and outdoors (to my surprise; I thought my literary aspirations would put me higher in that regard). It's hard for me to talk to a lot of people about this because I get a lot of adverse reactions to wanting to leave my nice well paid job. That job isn’t me. There’s only so long I can wedge myself into a mold that I don’t fit in. I’m the round peg in the square hole. That’s not something I can sustain forever.
There’s not much I can do at this juncture about it all, but I am trying to at least get the ball rolling mentally so that I can escape before I burn out. Starting to explore the options.
More soon; have lots to do around the house today and should get to it.
I'm in my late 20's and have been feeling a bit of a desire to get out of my job. I've got job in computers; I've got awesome benefits, good pay, and a generally prestigious job. At least, from the outside point of view.
The reality is, I never wanted to do this job. I got into computers because I needed the money, when it came down to it. I couldn’t afford to pay my bills on the small pay I’d been making previously. For a while, I loved it – even then the bills were tight, but I managed to get by with a little to spare most of the time. Now, I can pay all the bills and have some left over for fun. I love that.
Corporate hell is starting to catch up to me, however. I love what I can do with the money from my job; I don’t love my job. In fact, I’m finding a growing hate for the industry, and some of my company’s practices in particular, at least in regards to people management.
This journal is meant to be a place where I write down my thoughts on finding a job that makes me love going to work again. Months ago, I took one of those tests that tells you what fields you should be in based on your interests, and I fell squarely into healthcare and outdoors (to my surprise; I thought my literary aspirations would put me higher in that regard). It's hard for me to talk to a lot of people about this because I get a lot of adverse reactions to wanting to leave my nice well paid job. That job isn’t me. There’s only so long I can wedge myself into a mold that I don’t fit in. I’m the round peg in the square hole. That’s not something I can sustain forever.
There’s not much I can do at this juncture about it all, but I am trying to at least get the ball rolling mentally so that I can escape before I burn out. Starting to explore the options.
More soon; have lots to do around the house today and should get to it.
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