A little history

History on the current job:

I started in the industry as a temp as a way to alleviate the pressure put on me to help out more with the bills. I dropped out of college to take the job, and was subsequently hired full time at the company.

For a while, I really loved the job. I was working with a piece of software that people were using every day. I thought that was amazing, and every time I thought about it, I was proud of my impact. I loved the work, I loved the things I worked on, and I loved the people.

Over time, though, things changed. First, the environment. It started with them promoting me to salary - only to slam me back down to hourly. My level did not change - they expected the same from me, but now I would be paid hourly. This was upsetting, to say the least. It also shook my confidence in my manager. He hadn't been upfront with me about this change, even when I confronted him (I suspected when I was told there was a change in how I was paid that they would move us back to hourly). I no longer believed that the company cared about me as a person.

I pushed up another level back into salary, though. Then some other problems started. My company is moving more towards asking people in my field to program. I'll be the first to say it: I am not a programmer. I never will be one. I am too people oriented (which is why I am in quality assurance - I want to ensure the product has the customer in mind, is usable by real people).

Management got shaken up along the way. The "numbers" had to look better and better, and it was no longer about quality - it was how nice your numbers looked compared to everyone else's.

I don't kiss enough ass to play this game.

I was willing to cope with it because I really liked the stuff I was working on. I would learn to program as best I could to automate because I did like the product.

Recently, I found out the work I enjoyed was being moved to another team. As far as I was concerned, that means the last thing keeping me in the job was gone.

It wasn't the job I loved, not really - it was what I had been doing. Now that's gone.

I've learned a lot about myself in this process, though. While a part of me wishes I could go back and never haven gone to the higher paying job, that I could go back and choose a career path that I would have loved when I had the chance, I know better: there's no way for me to have known then what I know now.

Best I can do is simply to move forward and learn from the mistakes I've made.

Book

I ended up picking up a copy of "What Color Is Your Parachute?" today while at the bookstore. Figured it can't hurt; it's touted as one of those books that changes people's lives, and well... I sure as heck need a change.

A lot on my mind

Life on the personal front has been interesting. I've realized that I don't want to work in software forever, but I also realize that I have some issues that limit my career choices. Namely, I let myself become afraid of some things that I shouldn’t fear. I've managed to overcome some stuff I'd previously been afraid of more recently. I've managed to take control of aspects of my life by saying, "No. I will not let this beat me."

There is nothing more empowering than realizing, “I can.”

The key for me is twofold. One, I’ve been letting a lot of things limit me because I’ve been afraid of change. I’m not afraid anymore, and as far as I’m concerned, this very well might be the beginning of the rest of my life. My high paying, cushy job is killing me. Two? I spend so much time being focused on myself that I amplify my own problems.

I had to spend some time researching EMS and EMT work for some writing I was working on, and the more time I spent looking at the job, protocols, and endless piles of information, the more I realized that I would enjoy a job like that. It just felt right, comfortable. I could see myself out there, doing this. I find myself looking at things in a new light as a result. I spent some time after that reading a lot of EMS blogs, and I can’t help it – I feel like I’ve found something that fits my personality. I’m resilient, I can tolerate seeing people screwed up, and I react to stress better than I give myself credit.

I spoke with a friend last night (who has worked in the healthcare industry, and her husband does currently). I talked with her about all of this, and she smiled. She started going over a list of my traits that she thought would make this the perfect fit for me: the fact that I get along well with people, that I'm assertive, that I can be cool even when things are crazy. She says she could see it, that it would be a perfect fit.

She also noted that I had something very important: I was obviously very passionate about the possibility. I was excited. I spoke to her in animated tones about what I’d rather be doing.

I know if nothing else, there are a few people who believe in me. Who don’t give me the “you’re crazy” look.

I don’t know where any of this is going yet, but I feel better getting it out. I feel like I don’t have to focus it on myself anymore, but that I can admit it: I hate my job.

With that realization behind me, I can now effect change on my life.

Sadly, I still have to go in and face the hell-job tomorrow morning. I’m going to work on my resume and at least start with getting out of there.

First post

First post to the journal, here. I always hate the first post. I feel like I should post a welcome, or... something. Nothing so dramatic. We'll start with the intro.

I'm in my late 20's and have been feeling a bit of a desire to get out of my job. I've got job in computers; I've got awesome benefits, good pay, and a generally prestigious job. At least, from the outside point of view.

The reality is, I never wanted to do this job. I got into computers because I needed the money, when it came down to it. I couldn’t afford to pay my bills on the small pay I’d been making previously. For a while, I loved it – even then the bills were tight, but I managed to get by with a little to spare most of the time. Now, I can pay all the bills and have some left over for fun. I love that.

Corporate hell is starting to catch up to me, however. I love what I can do with the money from my job; I don’t love my job. In fact, I’m finding a growing hate for the industry, and some of my company’s practices in particular, at least in regards to people management.

This journal is meant to be a place where I write down my thoughts on finding a job that makes me love going to work again. Months ago, I took one of those tests that tells you what fields you should be in based on your interests, and I fell squarely into healthcare and outdoors (to my surprise; I thought my literary aspirations would put me higher in that regard). It's hard for me to talk to a lot of people about this because I get a lot of adverse reactions to wanting to leave my nice well paid job. That job isn’t me. There’s only so long I can wedge myself into a mold that I don’t fit in. I’m the round peg in the square hole. That’s not something I can sustain forever.

There’s not much I can do at this juncture about it all, but I am trying to at least get the ball rolling mentally so that I can escape before I burn out. Starting to explore the options.

More soon; have lots to do around the house today and should get to it.