Backfire

I can't believe this.

I had a company interested in me. I love the idea of the company and how they do things, but it's in Seattle and I'm not so sure I want to commute over there (as right now, hubby and I drive together and I really like that). But, I really had some people pushing to get me the phone screens, so sure, I figured, what the hell.

Screen one is easy. It's the HR kind of one, finding out stuff about me, ect. Cake. By this point, though, I'm starting to second guess this idea of working in Seattle. Second phone screening comes along, and I'm thinking well... Crap. I'm not really sure if commuting to Seattle is such a good idea, and I have people telling me I'm crazy for wanting to leave MS, but I've already got the second screening scheduled.

I figured, I'll just be kind of crappy in the interview, and that'll be that. I give decent answers, but I'm brutally honest about my lousy programming skills, and I'm a little bit eh on the testing parts, too.

The recruiter who'd been working with me asked how it went. I kind of shrugged and said it was okay, but I didn't think I really bowled them over. I'm thinking to myself, hell, in fact I kind of tried to botch it.

So imagine my surprise when I check my mail and find out they want to do an in person interview. They *like* me.

WTF? I can not figure this out.

I'm thinking if they like me based on lackluster replies and want me in, what the hell. If they're thinking I'm that qualified based on me at my worst, wonder what they'll think when I give my best? Worst case, I don't get the job, or I get it and turn it down. Best case, I get myself into a cool little company.

My only concern is that the job is contract to hire - I'd be a temp for a while, and if they like me, they'll hire me. It would mean I would risk leaving behind my permanant job, but then again, I had recruiters harassing me for vendor work (sort of like temp work but more stable), and while it's a slight paycut, it is certainly a safety net.

This is freaking surreal at this point. I finally try to screw something up and I get it right. Hell of a world sometimes. Holding out on any concrete decisions until the interview process is complete; I keep bantering around the whole thing in my head, but really, I can't make any decisions one way or another until the interview is done.

Damn. One downside is that the commute would be funky, and I'd have to arrange a lot of parts of my life. It might also put off me getting into volunteer EMS, but then again, I might find I have a supportive workplace that's cool about me leaving a tad early sometimes for meetings or shifts.

So freaked out now.

A feeling of awkwardness

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/264412_shoottimeline26ww.html

A lot of it speaks for itself.

I am one of those water off a duck's back sort of people when it comes to violence. It does not affect me like it does other people. One reason why I felt I'd make a good EMT is because of this ability to not feel the pain of these things, to be able to distance myself, but still feel empathy for people themselves and what they're going through.

Reading about this shooting so close to where I live shook me a little bit. I'm certainly not raving upset or depressed, but I felt my throat close up and I'm having trouble not thinking about it.

I don't think it shakes my feeling of what I feel like I should be doing, and will do one day, not by a long shot. But it does drive home, for me, that there will be times that the things medics see are often senseless, frustrating, and sorrowing. I knew that logically, but I'm not sure I really understand what that feels like until now.

It's strange, really. I've read countless stories, seen countless things, have inflicted stories of so many awful things on myself, just trying to shake myself at all. Nothing. 9/11? I was very much simply "What the hell? Assholes!" about the whole thing.

Maybe I'm more human than I think I am some days.

Overdue update

Have fallen behind catching up with blogger people lately; I apologize, I suck. :P

Unfortunately, not many updates. After being shot down for that last job when I was so close, I'm feeling a little hopeless and have to keep reminding myself that there's life after this place. It's like a mantra. I'd put it on a sticky on my monitor, except that people would probably notice (it could go next to the FOCUS! and "don't forget who you are, and by the way, get off your butt and go to the gym" stickies). I'm hanging in there, though.

Interesting conversation a couple weeks ago. I was in line with my husband getting some hot chocolate and a coworker of his says, "I heard you want to be an EMT."

If I'd had the hot chocolate already, I probably would have choked on it, because I didn't think this was a commonly known thing. Apparently, my husband has told a number of people. Either that's a vote of support, or he thinks I'm crazy. Although knowing my husband, it's a vote of support because he's just that way. The only thing stopping us right now is money.

I hate money. I talked with my future sister-in-law recently, and she said that she didn't care about money. It's all fine and good to say that, but in the end, it puts the roof over your head and food on the table. It's not everything, but the nature of the beast is that you can't live without it. And my future sister-in-law says that admittedly as someone who is not working (my brother pays for all her bills and stuff, which isn't great as he isn't making all that much himself).

I'm getting quite a few pings about my resume, and I'll be doing some followups soon on those oportunities. I keep reminding myself that I'm very lucky - there's much worse places to be, but I know that it's a matter of time for me. Best I can expect on my next review is "meets expectations" because I don't do much programming, and at the end of this product cycle, that's mostly likely going to translate to a layoff. Not because of my performance so much as the fact that they want my sort of position to be at a certain "level", and I fall one level short. Even if I kick some butt, it's not likely I'll get the promotion to that level in time.

If I stay here, though, worst case scenario, I put up with the BS for another 8 months, and they lay me off. In which case, I get a sizable severence package and have some breathing room to look for a job full time.

In other news, I've picked up a potentially dangerous addiction in the form of Guild Wars. Way to see my home life productivity go down the toilet, but a startlingly good way to cope with stress. It can be stressful dying over and over, of course, but really, the game is risk free - it's pretty hard to screw up so bad that you can't undo it.

Keeping my chin up, and making the first solid steps towards getting my finances in order so that I can make all this actually happen, getting out of the software industry.

And... no

Well, crum. No job. Long story short, the company I'd be contracted with decided they didn't need any people like me from the company that would have been hiring me. So they didn't hire me. They said they're keeping me in mind for future opportunities, though.

Looks like it's time to pimp the resume. Curse a debt ratio that keeps me in this infernal industry. I'm buying some lottery tickets. :P

Short update

The company that met with me earlier this week really wants to get me in on the team they're forming. I've got to meet with them a bit more, but if all goes well, I might have a new job within the next 48 hours.

I feel like jumping onto a table and yelling about it for a few minutes. As is, I'm going to be having dinner with the neighbors soon and I'm sure they'll hear ALL about it.

I feel like a little part of my life has kind of woken up and looked around. Even if I don't get this job (and I really hope I do), I'm no worse off than I was before, and I proved one thing - it's possible. There's options out there.

Moment of OMG nervous

A company has contacted me and would like to speak to me tomorrow.

*Tomorrow*.

Here's hoping I don't vomit on myself in nervousness.

The secret is coming out

So I've been starting to tentatively talk to more people about my possible career. No one thinks I'm crazy yet.

I've started mentioning it often to my husband, and it's to the point where it's part of daily conversation. I had to deal with children the other day (me and children are a dish best served on opposite sides of the table; I'm pretty good with kids for periods of time less than an hour or two, but I'm not really a kid person at all).

My husband actually pointed out that it would be good for me to get practice with dealing with kids more consistantly for when I'm an EMT (which was funny because it's exactly what I was telling myself anyway). As I said - I'm not *bad* at it, but I'm really not a kid person.

He's gotten used to the idea, at least. I'm really happy about that.

On the work front, work was very good last week, but I keep reminding myself: that isn't a permanent situation. It's happened before, it'll happen again.

Overall, though, life feels pretty decent this week, which at least makes it easier to get through to the fun stuff in my days.

Random short update

I am still falling to the dark side, so to speak. Am driving everyone crazy with my random first aid and CPR fun things I learned, and I think at least one person is disturbed at the level of knowledge I have over the local fire station and how quickly I can spot our little town's ambulance.

My husband is talking about moving to Europe in a few years; he says it would be easier for him to make a living doing what he loves there. EMTs and paramedics are still paid pretty low over there, but it might work out if his stuff pays enough. We're going to do the research. Really, it's pretty early to even discuss much, but it's interesting and it's creeping into conversation. My stepson noted at dinner that his mother is just inspiring him to move to Europe after high school. Heh.

Job situation the same, however, last week was pretty good, for all of being a short week for me (sick, yuck). I feel like I kicked some serious butt, but it's still time to move on soonishly.

I also did some really good cooking over the weekend in an effort to save money and eat better. So far, so good. I'm not exactly natural born chef material here, but people are eating the food, and that's good by me.

First aid/CPR stuff

My first aid/CPR class was Saturday, and I have to say, it was a lot more thorough than I had thought it would be (which was very cool). Not only did I get the normal first aid/CPR stuff for adults, children, and infants, but I also learned how to use an AED and we had a nice beefy section on bloodborne pathogens.

As for CPR, they're still teaching the 15-2 ratio for compressions-breaths, and I asked the instructor (an EMT himself) about the new standard. He said that the thought seemed to be that at 15 compressions, the circulatory system just got going, and by increasing that, more blood will move through the body.

There's a lot more concentration on safety than the last time I took a course like this (which was something like 11 years ago). Good stuff. AEDs talk funny. They seem super easy to use, but I'm glad that I've got an idea because now I can say that I could use one without hesitation if needed.

Nice way to spend a Saturday.

Spectacularly unimpressed with my company today

:: facepalm ::

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/03/AR2006010301400.html

"Security experts yesterday criticized Microsoft Corp. for waiting until next week to address a recently revealed flaw in the Windows operating system that they say is unusually dangerous.

The experts took the unusual step of urging users to install a patch created by a private developer, saying Microsoft is downplaying the severity of the security hole."

D'oh.

Thinking outloud

Hoping this isn't too much bitching and moaning. :)

I found myself digging through a lot of the stuff in the house, and found stuff like my old PSAT scores. The scores were good; what killed me is that at that point, in 1994, I'd put down that my intended major as being in health sciences. What the heck happened?

It started me retracing my steps through my life, how I got to this point. I think where it started was at the place I used to live. I lived with my fiance and a roommate, and we had a deal when we moved in that they would split the house payment, and I would pay the utilities. I would be considered a full time student, and they would support me in this.

It seemed simple enough. I worked only part time in a fairly low paying job, but I brought home around $600 a month - plenty for utilities, plus I also had an ample stock account at the time that I could draw off of as needed. It was intended to pay for college, but at this point, I'd changed to a community college, and the education wouldn't use as much money. There was some leeway.

Within months, things degenerated. Our roommate got his license. He got a few cars. He started to race one, sink money into another, and his driving record became bad quickly. Bit by bit, there was less money to pay the house payment. My fiance and I made up the difference, but then everything started going all to hell. We started fighting, all three of us. All the time. Those were still some of the worst years of my life.

It didn't take long for the blame for the situation to fall onto me. With few options and a lot of pressure on me, I dropped out of school for a semester, thinking that I might take one semester off, work full time, make some extra cash, then get back to school.

It didn't happen. Even at a full 40-48 hours a week, it still wasn't enough to fix the damage that our roommate had already done. For a while, we sent in our half of the mortgage and then he'd send his in, usually after he begged it from a family member. Soon, the people that we were buying the house from refused to take our payment without his. The mortgage payments started to fall farther behind.

I had no options - with my relationship and household crumbling under me, I started looking at contract jobs at the large technology company down the street. I'd tried this before, before I went back to school, but had never managed to land a job.

Amazingly, I did, first time I'd tried in about a year. And so I was off. I loved what I was doing at the time, and after a number of months, I had a chance to interview for a full time job. I did, and I didn't get that job, although I did end up landing another one. I really thought I was doing the right thing; I mean, this was *Microsoft*. How much better could I do?

Well, here I am, years later, and I think to myself, I'm not sure how much of it was the job and how much of it was the team. They were really good people, and even now I miss working with them. That team has since been scattered. And what I do now isn't the same. It won't ever be.

I will never cease to regret the fact that I let other people push me into the decision. If I'd been the person I am now, I'd have been more stubborn and strong, and I would have stood my ground. Then again, though, I'm not sure I'd be the person I am today if I hadn't had those experiences, if I hadn't learned that if I don't stand up and put my foot down, no one is going to do it for me.

Sometimes it's those experiences in life that you hate the most that teach you the most about who you are. I know who I am, and that's more than my mother could say for herself, for example. Some people never learn who they really are, and I'm fortunate in a way; I'm only 28, and I feel very comfortable in my skin so to speak.

I understand myself and am starting to get more ideas of the kinds of things I was meant to do in this world. I really want to help people. I think that's why being an EMT or a personal trainer appeal to me so much. It's obvious how an EMT or paramedic helps people, and as for a personal trainer, one helped save my skin at one point. She gave me back my health, boosted my confidence, and when I dropped over 50 lbs, I realized that I'd love to pass that gift on. I tend to do it in my way anyway, by helping people I know, friends and family, with what to eat, exercises to do, ect. It feels good to help people, to know that you've made some difference, however small. It's all those small differences added up that truly affect change in life.