A feeling of awkwardness

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/264412_shoottimeline26ww.html

A lot of it speaks for itself.

I am one of those water off a duck's back sort of people when it comes to violence. It does not affect me like it does other people. One reason why I felt I'd make a good EMT is because of this ability to not feel the pain of these things, to be able to distance myself, but still feel empathy for people themselves and what they're going through.

Reading about this shooting so close to where I live shook me a little bit. I'm certainly not raving upset or depressed, but I felt my throat close up and I'm having trouble not thinking about it.

I don't think it shakes my feeling of what I feel like I should be doing, and will do one day, not by a long shot. But it does drive home, for me, that there will be times that the things medics see are often senseless, frustrating, and sorrowing. I knew that logically, but I'm not sure I really understand what that feels like until now.

It's strange, really. I've read countless stories, seen countless things, have inflicted stories of so many awful things on myself, just trying to shake myself at all. Nothing. 9/11? I was very much simply "What the hell? Assholes!" about the whole thing.

Maybe I'm more human than I think I am some days.